last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
