Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
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He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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