You're so nebulous sometimes
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
