My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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