I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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