Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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