This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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