I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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