Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
its not stalking. its research.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
