i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
