Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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