So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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