I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
