my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I intend to get homeless drunk
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
