there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
