I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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