Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
