Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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