well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
