Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
