just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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