Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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