so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
