she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
