I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
