I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
