My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
