the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
