it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
