my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
