Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
