I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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