Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You're like the curious george of whores
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I believe in your delicious
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
