just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
