I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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