I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
BRING THE BAGELS
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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