I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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