You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
