Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
