I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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