I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
