Where did you get a picture of my penis
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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