how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
