im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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