Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
