theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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