I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
