Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
