so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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