If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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