Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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