i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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