just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
