I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
