If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
