why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
